y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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