K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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