So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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