He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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