We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
