I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize