im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
