It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
smell my finger.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
