hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
