one two three fourrrrnication!
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
