The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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