I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
