I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
