I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Randomize
