this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
