I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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