Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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