Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
