Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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