sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
