We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
