Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize