Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
