I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Randomize
