my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
