my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
