I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
