A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
