Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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