That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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