I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Maybe he injected his testicle?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Randomize
