but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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