Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Randomize
