3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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