It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize