you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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