I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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