If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
