if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
the day after is always just damage control
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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