she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
