Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
