I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Randomize
