i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
