Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
