Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize
