Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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