i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
