Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
