My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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