Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Randomize
