when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
This is the high leading the old right now
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize