o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
