The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
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