I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
