life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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