My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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