I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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