you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
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