Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
