What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
