I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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