JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
