the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
